I enjoy and strive for the feeling of competence. I love having mastered something. I HATE cognitive bumbling. Here is my typical journey when faced with a new challenge:
1. Get excited and worried that I don't know enough about overcoming challenge (therefore will be a complete failure).
2. Alternate waking moments of obsessively reading about challenge, and wanting to be fine with not knowing.
3. Start talking to other people who have faced the challenge. They know more than me. I WILL be a complete failure.
4. Give up crazy notion of "being fine with not knowing".
5. Devote ALL waking moments to reading and thinking about said challenge.
6. Run up a credit card balance on Amazon from books on said challenge.
7. Bore friends with the subject (as I pump them for knowledge whilst attempting to appear self-deprecatingly capable).
8. Finally experience the wonderful and sham feeling of competence.
9. Feel free to impart the Master's level amount of information I have acquired upon friends who go through similar challenges in the future. This happens while telling them to "relax" and utterly forgetting that I had been a basket case regarding said challenge myself.
GUESS WHAT THIS DOESN'T WORK FOR?
BABIES.
Abel changes so quickly, so vastly. His needs, desires and abilities are constantly shifting. My wish to be competent and have a significant mastery over being his parent is NEVER fulfilled.
He loves is teddy bear.... What's this? He won't go near the thing.
I will make copious amounts of french toast for him..... Shoot- Now he is throwing it on the floor in disgust.
He can always fall asleep in the wrap, as a last resort. And...He absolutely WILL NOT fall asleep in the wrap.
He tolerates baths.... Wait a second! He loves baths.
His bedtime is at 8.... Now he is exhausted by 7.
He hates the car.... Suddenly he squeals with joy in the car. He.is.finally.sleeping.longer.stretches.at.night..... (you know how this one turns out).
The moment I find myself basking in a sudden glow of mastery as a parent- BAM- something shifts and the little pearls of wisdom I have squirreled away spill on to the floor. Then I have to pick up each one, examine it for current relevance, and mostly likely throw it out. Man, this parenthood thing is full of portals to self discovery and acceptance. Gross.
Like everything else from Abe, this feeling of incompetence is an awe-inspiring gift. But I wish he saved the receipt, because I kind of want to take it back. I know I can't. I know I should embrace the challenge of being in the dark. I also know that, most likely, every second of parenthood will feel like this: trying to figure it all out on the fly.
Maybe there is a book on Amazon about mastering incompetence.
"I HATE cognitive bumbling." You've always hated any kind of bumbling. But you have always become competent in all that you endeavor and are truly your own master (of course, now shared with Abel).
ReplyDeleteditto on what your insightful pa said. and you have certainly mastered writing. oh, and honesty.
ReplyDeleteAndrea prepped me for this frustration saying when Reagan was 6 weeks old and I was joyful about some perceived "mastery" regarding Reagan (probably about his sleep!)..."Just when you think you have him figured out, he'll change."
ReplyDelete...That said, it's still soo hard.
ReplyDeletewhy can't the answer be in a book? why can't my child fit the mold? then again, what child does? so how is there even a mold to begin with that so many books are based upon? sometimes bumbling is all we can manage to get out when we have no answer. at least it's full of love anyway.
ReplyDeleteI think the proof of your mastery lies in the end product. Abel's loveliness is all the evidence you need.
ReplyDeleteI have nothing but confidence in your ability to be a parent (along with M. Snider). I agree with Amy, not only because she's always right, but, because she hit the nail on the head (again). He's a wonderful little kiddo.
ReplyDelete