Pregnancy Dream

Today I had a root canal. In case you haven't heard, root canals are not super fun. But, if you are looking for a silver lining- at least you get nitrous oxide. Which I did. Apparently, nitrous oxide gives me a portal to memories and thoughts I usually deem inconsequential in sober life. So while a rich endodontist filled my tooth roots with cement today, I thought about a hilarious (?) dream (and subsequent conversations) I had while pregnant. And I realized that I should write it in this blog so Abel can read it later.

While pregnant last December, I had a dream that I was getting an ultrasound. The ultrasound picture was really really high-tech- sort of like a 3D movie. Mike and I were looking at the image on the screen, and all of a sudden I saw a HUGE.FLOPPY.PENIS. It was undulating in the amniotic fluid, easily twice the size of the baby's body. I woke up with a gasp. It wasn't a peaceful image.

I headed to work early that morning- Mike still asleep. Immediately, my therapy colleagues began dissecting the dream: fear of masculine energy? losing control of my body? aggression? What could it mean? I sent Mike a text message with the dream description. His text back: "sweeeet".

Of course, we all know how the story turns out: January 23rd the ultrasound technician pointed out a shadow of penis. We were having a boy. When I went back to work, a senior clinician said, "I guess you don't need to four therapists to figure out your undulating penis dream after all".

If I am going to be totally and completely honest- I was shocked to find out the baby was a boy. I wouldn't say disappointed, but I was really thrown for a loop. You see- I had spent the better part of my life in the Women's Studies sections of bookstores, listening to lady musicians sing about lady things, sewing clothes, and talking about feelings. I had a sister, best girlfriends, girl cousins (mostly). I was READY to help a daughter navigate through the world, god damn it!!

And- truth be told- I was scared of having a son. What did I know about raising a boy (did they even have a corresponding section at the bookstore?!)? I was nervous about the trucks, and dirt and bodily function jokes that would undoubtedly arrive- but at the core, I was afraid that I wouldn't know how to help him be boy in the world, navigating his course. I have some wonderfully sensitive, masculine men in my life- Mike and my Dad at the front of the line- but some where inside me, I still associated male energy with aggression and competition. Mostly, I want to relate to him, and him to relate to me.

Once Abel arrived, I was so happy. I was happy that he was a healthy, smiley, fiesty, little dude. (A dude with a non-undulating, non-monstrous penis). Now I am completely at ease and in love with the idea of this son. I am still aware of being the only girl in our family (Mike and Abel already share in the hilariousness of toots). And I still feel like I am in uncharted male waters, But I feel like it was meant to be. I am up for the challenge of helping Abel be the best kind of boy in the world.