Shenpa No. 1

The Tibetan word Shenpa has a complicated and rich definition. The literal translation is "attachment"- but that doesn't quite cover it. Pema Chodron describes it as a 'hook'; an emotional charge that hits one's deepest, softest spots. It causes our openness to tighten up, our optimism to shift to cynicism, and our world view to constrict in order to "protect" ourselves. We all have shenpas, or triggers. Some may get hooked by certain word, or tone, or environment. Others may be hooked by a feeling, or type of situation, or person. Pema gives a wonderful description of seeing other peoples Shenpa:

What's very interesting is you begin to notice Shenpa really quickly in other people. You're having a conversation at work with somebody. Their face is sort of open and they're listening, and you say something—you're not quite sure what it is you just said, or maybe you know what it is you just said, it doesn't necessarily have to be mean, or anything— but you see their eyes cloud over. Or you see their jaw tense. Or you can feel them... you know, you touched something. You're seeing their shenpa, and they may not be aware of it at all. From your side, you can, at that point, just keep going and get into it with them, but with a kind of prajna, this clear seeing of what's really happening, not involved with your story line and trying to get ground under your feet. You see that happening to them. There's some kind of basic intelligence that we all have. If you're really smart and you're not too caught in your shenpa, you somehow give the situation some space because you know that they've just been triggered, they've just been hooked. You can just see it in their eyes or their body language, maybe nothing even verbal yet. And you know that if you're trying to make a point about something that needs to happen in the office, or trying to make a point with one of your children or your partner, you know that nothing is going to get through at this point because they're shutting down. They're closing off because of shenpa: they've been hooked.

Like most of us, I try to be aware of my triggers, my shenpa. I have loooong list. I think it is growing! And because I am not a Rinpoche, my awareness goes out the window when my shenpa is activated (that sounds like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle line: "Shenpa: ACTIVATE!"). That's kind of part of the shenpa deal. So, I have been wondering- waiting to see how my hooks arise with Abel and being a new parent.

And I think I have spotted one: Loneliness. This feeling evokes more empathy in me than most. I worry about people I love being lonely. My heart is tugged by a person eating alone in the cafeteria. If I cry in a movie, it is usually because the character has been left alone and sad. My guess is that I am 75% extrovert, so I generally like to be surrounded by people I care about. I get energy from others. And of course, one of my biggest fears and biggest causes of sadness and panic is loneliness (different from being alone- which is by choice). Because even though I am mostly an extrovert- I love my alone time. LOVE it. Also, I think Abel is an extrovert. In fact, I KNOW he is at least, currently an extrovert. He loves EVERYTHING more when someone is watching, engaging, laughing.

So, what am I most worried about Abel feeling? Lonely. I worry that he is lonely playing, lonely in the car while I am driving. I worry that he is lonely when he wakes up next to me early in the morning and I can't bring myself to open my eyes for a few minutes. But I realized my shenpa of loneliness officially when I recently worried if Abel was lonely when he WAS ASLEEP!! "Give the kid some alone time!", said Mike (the lone wolf- the guy who can spend an entire day in a wood shop- not seeing a SOUL!).

It's not as if I am in Abel's face all the time, in fact- he is often on a blanket with toys while I do the dishes, or check email, or think about ways Abel and I can get out of the house and see other people!! But the fear of him feeling lonely is always lurking under the surface. I catch myself distractedly saying "Hi Abel!" from across the room every 4 minutes- just so he "doesn't feel lonely". Like that would stave off a true feeling of loneliness. Usually- he looks up, and then goes back to chewing on what ever object is closest to him at the time.

I need to work with my Shenpa to realize that, just like with me, Abel being alone does not equal loneliness. That even the most extroverted of us like our alone time. With out our Moms' in our face.